Measure up

So as I've tried to put a finger on exactly what it is I can do to start improving, it's being hard to determine what I'm supposed to do. It's just not black and white. Obviously, it's important to cut out any "indulgences," but how is someone who has a problem with food supposed to determine what that is or isn't? Obviously it's going to be different for everyone.

The sort of neat thing about all this is, now that I'm looking the little demon in the face, it's not nearly as powerful over me. But that's the other thing. Part of the 12 step program is realizing that you're powerless to your addiction. I'm not sure I fully understand that yet, because I am feeling like I have more control over my actions now that I'm acknowledging the issue. More to learn there, I think.

And then there's the other thing. Drug addicts aren't supposed to replace their addictions with anything else; alcohol, etc. So, is a "food addict" (I still have a hard time taking that term seriously, hence the marks) not supposed to ever eat a cookie? Exactly. It's just not black and white. So, anything that I choose to do is going to be what's right for ME. If someone else out there feels like something else would work better for them, please follow your instincts. We all have different issues.

When I think back to times when I've been the most depressed, it is usually the morning after I've eaten bad. One of my favorite things to do is eat late. There's something about my late night alone time, when the kids are in bed, and Neal is asleep early for work the next morning. I can break out a snack that I don't have to share with anyone - no slobbery little mouths, no greedy hubby...it's just for me. I can turn on my favorite night time shows, it doesn't have to be cartoons or car shows or news or anything FOR someone else. It's just for me. So I end up watching a couple of shows, indulging on my favorite things. I think this is perfectly okay to do every once in a while. I certainly wasn't doing it every night. I think where I started going wrong, is when I'd allow myself to sit down with a whole bag of pita chips and the container of hummus, instead of getting a plate and plopping a serving on it and limiting myself to that. But, it just felt good to get lost in my shows and my snacks without a care in the world. Obviously, this is my biggest hurdle that I'll need to change.

So, how do I change this? Well, for over a week now, I've been going to bed with everyone else. When I don't watch my shows late at night, I don't end up wanting to snack. I end up not over indulging, getting more sleep, and even finding productive things to do in bed if I'm not ready to fall asleep. Like, reading the scriptures (on my phone). I started in D&C last week. I haven't read through it since seminary (terrible, right?), so I've decided it will be something that I can do. So far, I think these things are helping me to slowly get a grip. Obviously I still struggle with the same every day things, like my body image, etc, but I'm not completely OVERWHELMED by them, where it's all I can think about.

My meeting last night was good. Remember how in my last post I said that all I could think about since the first meeting I went to was the next meeting I would go to (last night's)? Well, at 5pm my mom was like, "Aren't you going to ARG?", and I'm like, "Yeah but it doesn't start til 5:30." Well I was wrong. I rushed out of her house in pj's with zero makeup on, and showed up 15 minutes late. I missed the reading of the step, which I believe was step 6, something about having a change of heart. I KNOW I needed this step. Obviously I'll read through it on my own. Last week was about confessing, and in addition to that I did steps 1 and 2 on my own. So this week I will do steps 3 and 4 on my own, and then catch up and do step 6, so that next sunday I'm good to go with step 7. In case any of you are wondering, you can go to LDS.org and look up the churches Addiction Recovery Program. You can download a copy of the lesson manual/12 steps, or you can find a group local to you. If there's anything you feel like you need to change in your life, the meeting is wonderful for that. There are addicts of every kind - shopping, video games, tv, eating, drugs, alcohol, grief, you name it. I would suggest looking up a group. They're very anonymous, and a great place for letting out anything you feel like you have difficulty talking to just anyone about.

I'm gonna do another post, by I don't want to combine it with this one, because it's a big enough topic to do on it's own. So on to that. It's about this week's meeting/step 6, having a change of heart.

Journey of healing. Week 1.

So, my last post was obviously a major downer. I mean, am I right or am I right? Self discovery is a good thing, especially if you realize that you have a problem during said self discovery.

I've gone back and forth about how appropriate it would or wouldn't be to post about what I'm going through right now. If I'm being real with you, though it may seem like I'm totally an open book, there are still many things that I do keep to myself. I don't always mind when what I have to say is offensive. I don't always mind when what I say makes people uncomfortable. But believe it or not, I do have boundaries when it comes to the more serious things. But, because this is such a serious thing for me, I'm hoping that as I write/journal about my experiences, maybe it can help someone else. I do realize that not everyone struggles with the same issues, and I also realize that not everyone is aware they even have issues. Shoot, it's taken me many, many years to understand that I have a problem. Unfortunately, it's taken me hitting a wall to realize the problem, and now it's bad. That is sad. Maybe someone, somewhere, can read this blog and feel like they relate on some level, and realize that there is room to go up from here.

I've been pretty sad lately. Without diving into all the details, and without slamming down scenario after scenario for you to read through (that could take forever and a year-monger), and briefly summarize: I've been pretty sad lately. These are the things that make me sad:

1) Getting dressed. I've become very aware of my overweight figure, particularly my midsection. Getting dressed reminds me that I'm no longer at the stage where I can hide the little bit of fat collected around my belly anymore with a lose shirt or a tight under shirt to squeeze it all in. My curves have gotten large enough to where they can't be hidden. This is exponentially depressing.

2) Lifting up my shirt to nurse. My belly is exposed, and makes me self conscious. It saddens me that THAT is was I'm focusing on during such special moments between me and my son. I rarely nurse without a blanket around. Sometimes I even steal my sons blankey to cover myself up.

3) Not getting dressed. It's a lose lose. I can't dress up, I can't stay in pjs, because either way I'm letting myself down physically.

4) Walking through the house naked. I used to do this freely. Now, I've convinced myself that surely my husband doesn't need to see me too frequently sporting my birthday suit. He never says a negative word to me. But I view myself so negatively that I've convinced myself that I'm just as disgusting in others' eyes.

5) Bath time with Kenz. She first discovered my belly when I was pregnant. Before that, it wasn't big enough to be noticed, really. She understands that I'm not pregnant anymore, but doesn't understand why my stomach is still big. She likes to pat it. This is depressing.

The list could go on. These are normal day to day things that I experience that remind me of my unhappiness.

Two weeks ago (or so) I was at my mom and dads house. I was talking with one of my sister's during some quiet time while the kids and others were napping. We have always been able to relate when it comes to body image issues. In fact, I have this in common with all of my sisters. Anyway, we started out talking about HER issues, and somewhere along the line, my parents joined in on the discussion and WENDY (me) was the one crying bitterly like a baby in a poopy diaper. I was opening up about my self loathing. Everyone was offering their two cents, my sister was nodding her head in understanding (since she feels much the same way - or has felt the same way at one point or another).

Recently, we've all been taking turns attending the addiction recovery meetings with my brother, who is an addict. He's been an addict for about 8 years, I think, became sober around 2004, and recently fell victim to the disease again. Anyway, I haven't yet taken a turn, but my mom has. I bring this up, because she suggested that I attend a meeting for my own benefit. I had shot the idea back and forth for a while. Maybe even for a year. But I became pregnant, and decided that it wasn't the right time (looking back, I should have started it when I felt like I should even while pregnant). Anyway, I was encouraged to go to the meeting, give it a shot, and see how I felt afterwards.

Last sunday was my first time with ARP. I went feeling a little nervous, but when you really hate yourself, and you know how important it is to love yourself, you'll do anything you need to do to get on track again. The meeting was just what I needed. Every day since then, all I've thought about was how I can't wait to go back again. It was important for me to realize that 1) I don't have such an unusual problem and 2) it was good to be reminded that I need to see myself through God's eyes. It will be a very difficult journey, as I try and transition to having more positive thoughts, and remembering that my worth isn't measured by a number on a scale. That said, I've also come to find that I am a food addict. I never really felt like food addiction was anything real. I mean come on, it's not an "addictive substance", it's food, for crying out loud. We need it to survive. But food is my drug. Like my brother, I have something I abuse to make me feel better. And sure, it's not as cut and dry as that. I don't sit down with a box of donuts and eat the whole thing. I don't go through drive thrus ten times a day and get five extra large numbers 2's. My issue is that I think about it constantly. When I'm stressed, I think about food cravings. "Ooooh, I think I'll make this for dinner." Or, "I need to put this this and this on my grocery list, because I really want to taste this!"...do you know what I'm saying? I push out the stress by obeying my cravings. It feels good to eat what I want. But it is bad for me, and I am more and more frequently obeying my desires. The numbers aren't increasing on the scale, but they sure aren't decreasing, and I NEED them to decrease, or I will hate myself more and more with each day. I already do.

So, back to the addiction recovery group. I listened to people share, and it was like I could have been saying everything they were saying. I am looking forward to following the 12 step program to recovery. It's not your normal 12 step program, like for Overeaters anonymous. It incorporates the atonement, and I KNOW that through the reminders of the atonement and using it as a tool during my recovery, I will be able to heal more quickly and more PURELY. I'm looking to heal from the inside out. I know that this is a good place for me, because for once I'm not thinking about how to fix how I look. I'm understand that if I fix how I feel about myself, it will have postive effects on me outwardly, as well.

I'm grateful to have the church in my life. It certainly is true that our Heavenly Father hasn't left us alone. The church is designed in all of its greatness to assist all of us through everything we experience - good and bad. I'm grateful that I have a venue to express my true feelings, to not feel judged, and to get help where I need it. I'm grateful for the boost that I've gotten just from the one meeting. I don't have a lot of hope - I do have a little. And if I heard one thing at the meeting, it's that all you need is a little hope, and recovery will come.

Looking forward to a journey of healing from the inside out.