Measure up

So as I've tried to put a finger on exactly what it is I can do to start improving, it's being hard to determine what I'm supposed to do. It's just not black and white. Obviously, it's important to cut out any "indulgences," but how is someone who has a problem with food supposed to determine what that is or isn't? Obviously it's going to be different for everyone.

The sort of neat thing about all this is, now that I'm looking the little demon in the face, it's not nearly as powerful over me. But that's the other thing. Part of the 12 step program is realizing that you're powerless to your addiction. I'm not sure I fully understand that yet, because I am feeling like I have more control over my actions now that I'm acknowledging the issue. More to learn there, I think.

And then there's the other thing. Drug addicts aren't supposed to replace their addictions with anything else; alcohol, etc. So, is a "food addict" (I still have a hard time taking that term seriously, hence the marks) not supposed to ever eat a cookie? Exactly. It's just not black and white. So, anything that I choose to do is going to be what's right for ME. If someone else out there feels like something else would work better for them, please follow your instincts. We all have different issues.

When I think back to times when I've been the most depressed, it is usually the morning after I've eaten bad. One of my favorite things to do is eat late. There's something about my late night alone time, when the kids are in bed, and Neal is asleep early for work the next morning. I can break out a snack that I don't have to share with anyone - no slobbery little mouths, no greedy hubby...it's just for me. I can turn on my favorite night time shows, it doesn't have to be cartoons or car shows or news or anything FOR someone else. It's just for me. So I end up watching a couple of shows, indulging on my favorite things. I think this is perfectly okay to do every once in a while. I certainly wasn't doing it every night. I think where I started going wrong, is when I'd allow myself to sit down with a whole bag of pita chips and the container of hummus, instead of getting a plate and plopping a serving on it and limiting myself to that. But, it just felt good to get lost in my shows and my snacks without a care in the world. Obviously, this is my biggest hurdle that I'll need to change.

So, how do I change this? Well, for over a week now, I've been going to bed with everyone else. When I don't watch my shows late at night, I don't end up wanting to snack. I end up not over indulging, getting more sleep, and even finding productive things to do in bed if I'm not ready to fall asleep. Like, reading the scriptures (on my phone). I started in D&C last week. I haven't read through it since seminary (terrible, right?), so I've decided it will be something that I can do. So far, I think these things are helping me to slowly get a grip. Obviously I still struggle with the same every day things, like my body image, etc, but I'm not completely OVERWHELMED by them, where it's all I can think about.

My meeting last night was good. Remember how in my last post I said that all I could think about since the first meeting I went to was the next meeting I would go to (last night's)? Well, at 5pm my mom was like, "Aren't you going to ARG?", and I'm like, "Yeah but it doesn't start til 5:30." Well I was wrong. I rushed out of her house in pj's with zero makeup on, and showed up 15 minutes late. I missed the reading of the step, which I believe was step 6, something about having a change of heart. I KNOW I needed this step. Obviously I'll read through it on my own. Last week was about confessing, and in addition to that I did steps 1 and 2 on my own. So this week I will do steps 3 and 4 on my own, and then catch up and do step 6, so that next sunday I'm good to go with step 7. In case any of you are wondering, you can go to LDS.org and look up the churches Addiction Recovery Program. You can download a copy of the lesson manual/12 steps, or you can find a group local to you. If there's anything you feel like you need to change in your life, the meeting is wonderful for that. There are addicts of every kind - shopping, video games, tv, eating, drugs, alcohol, grief, you name it. I would suggest looking up a group. They're very anonymous, and a great place for letting out anything you feel like you have difficulty talking to just anyone about.

I'm gonna do another post, by I don't want to combine it with this one, because it's a big enough topic to do on it's own. So on to that. It's about this week's meeting/step 6, having a change of heart.